


When You're Gone

by ShootingStarsAndFallenAngels



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Death, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Sad, Sweet Emotions Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 16:44:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12112941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShootingStarsAndFallenAngels/pseuds/ShootingStarsAndFallenAngels
Summary: Post-All Along the WatchtowerDean deals with the death of Cas, and maybe he realizes a thing or two.





	When You're Gone

     

* * *

 

 

       They sat in silence at the table at the bunker, Dean absentmindedly running a finger over the little “C” that he had carved next to his and Sam’s initials. Sam was staring at his mug of coffee. It had been twelve days. Sam hadn’t said much. Dean hadn’t spoken at all.

      “Dean…”

       Dean left the table without looking at Sam. Sam sighed and put his head in his hands, maybe even letting a few stray tears slip out himself.

 

* * *

 

 

 

       That night Dean slipped into the empty room two doors down from his. He picked up the beige coat from its place and sunk into the bed with it clutched to his chest. The tears he shed were silent. He didn’t fall asleep. He knew what would happen if he did. He held the coat a little tighter and cried a little harder, but he never slept. He couldn’t. He stared at the coat in his lap for what seemed like hours and for the first time in almost two weeks Dean whispered.

       “I’m sorry…”

 

* * *

 

 

            Dean dragged himself into the kitchen, absentmindedly scratching at the facial hair that had begun to grow on his chin. Sam was already there with a plate of eggs and bacon for each of them. Just like every day before, they sat and didn’t talk. Sam ate, Dean pushed the food around his plate. Eventually Sam decided to break the unspoken rule of silence.

            “Dean, you’ve got to eat something. You haven’t eaten in two days.”

            Dean took a bite of his eggs thinking if he at least did this, Sam might not talk about him needing to sleep too. He figured he’d pick his battles.

            Sam would take it for now. He’d get Dean to eat first, then maybe talk about the rest of it later. He’d at least give Dean that.

            “Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

 

            Later that night as Sam walked past Dean’s door he heard his name called softly. He walked up to the door and pushed it open carefully. He looked in and saw Dean sitting on the bed looking down at the floor.

            “Hey.”

            “Hey, Sammy.”

            Sam sat on the edge of the bed next to Dean. He didn’t want to say anything because he was afraid Dean would send him away, so he stayed silent. It seemed to be the norm these days.

            “I don’t know what to do, Sammy. I…I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say, I don’t even know what to feel. It’s different this time.”

            Sam didn’t reply. He knew what was happening in his brother’s head. He’d done it. It was one of the hardest things he’d ever gone through. He still remembered the way he felt after Jess died. He remembered the way he looked every time he looked in a mirror for nearly three months after her death. Dean looked the same way now, but Sam knew he had to let Dean work through it on his own. He had to figure it out for himself, so Sam just sat with his brother and hoped and prayed he would be okay.

            “Sammy?”

            “Yeah, Dean?”

            “Uh, do you…could you stay here tonight? I…uh…I don’t want to be alone.”

            “Yeah, Dean, I can do that.”

 

* * *

 

 

            As soon as Sam fell asleep, Dean grabbed the trench coat from its place and walked outside. He sat on edge of Baby and looked up to the sky, willing his tears not to fall.

            “I’m sorry…” Dean took a deep breath and tried not to get choked up. He failed. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry you felt like you had to save us, that you thought you had to save me. I’m sorry that I was a dick to you. I’m sorry that I was mad at you for something that wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry for yelling at you and making you feel unwanted. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for all of it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Cas.”

            Dean finally allowed himself to let go and let his tears flow freely. So, they did. He cried, really cried, for the first time since it happened. The tears fell and fell and they didn’t stop. He cried in anger and frustration and pure anguish. He cried out to the stars begging for his angel back. He begged everything and everyone he could think of for just one more chance.

            “Dean?”

            Dean’s head snapped up to where Sammy was standing. Sam had tears on his face too. He took a step toward Dean and laid a hand on his shoulder. When he didn’t move away, Sam yanked him forward into a hug, crying openly now too. Dean clutched tightly to his brother.

            “I love him, Sammy.”

            “I know, Dean”

           

 


End file.
